Gotta Figure This Out
by thecon12
Summary: Erica's thoughts during 5.7 and Callie's reaction to Erica walking away from her. Callica
1. Chapter 1

**Gotta Figure This Out**

I remember when I first started seeing the world in black and white; it was the first time I figured out just how hard life actually was. It was during my second year of medical school, I was studying hard and my efforts were paying off; I was top of my class…for awhile anyway. Somehow that pompous ass Preston Burke managed to nudge me from the top stop leaving me firmly in second without realising how I'd gotten there.

I kept up my studying and worked my ass off to try and get back to being number one but somehow whenever I upped my game he would too, leaving me always a few steps behind.

My father used to say that any place after first wasn't worth celebrating; he'd tell me constantly that I wouldn't be able to be top of my class and the day I took my father for dinner and bumped into Preston…well you can imagine how smug they both became when they realised they were right; my father told me to give up and Preston agreed, said I'd be able to stop working so hard for nothing.

I figured out then that it wasn't always the effort you put in that mattered; sometimes all the effort in the world can't change the fact that you don't have the talent for it…that the world worked in black and white…there was no 'kind of' being the best.

I figured out at that same time that Burke had the talent, he made the effort and that was enough for him to be the top man…I made the effort and I had the talent but I was lacking something…I decided then that if effort isn't enough on its own that fighting would be the only other option. I changed my schedule of balanced sleep and study time to 80% studying, 10% fighting, and 10% sleep…a good night of sleep would do nothing for me if I didn't fight to regain what was truthfully mine and that would take work.

I studied and I fought but when Burke and I graduated from John's Hopkins I was still a level lower and he was still looking down on me holding up the trophy…I guess my efforts to see gray were forced away; everything was the same…everything was still black and white.

I remember my first time at Seattle Grace; Burke had been shot and the karma of me always trailing behind finally caught up. I operated on Denny Duquette and replaced his heart for one that would beat strongly in his chest for years to come. The strong heart that belonged to my patient was beating in another man's chest and I didn't see just how wrong that truly was.

My second trip to Seattle Grace was prompted by one of there own; a young intern named George O'Malley had requested me personally for a consult for his sick father. Of course I went without question; curiosity lingering in my mind as to why Burke wasn't wanted for this case. The operation; with Burke's unfortunate needed assistance was a success…I didn't find out about the tremor that effected his hand until months later and lets just say that karma really does rock; Preston was finally wobbling on his high perch.

When I joined Seattle Grace I knew there was _something_ about it that just didn't add up; the staff were weird; friendly and overly involved in each other's lives and the hospital itself had a presence that never settled with me.

I was happy when Michael Morris chose to keep me as his surgeon and follow me to Seattle Grace. I wasn't lying when I said I don't get attached to patients, I don't and there's a good reason for that…but Michael had been a patient for years and I'd grown fond of him, his wife, and even his children; he was a good man who'd drawn the short straw and I had the power to change that.

I chose Izzie Stevens for a reason…I let everything I'd seen of her, everything I'd heard about her wash away from my mind and focused on the one skill she possessed that I didn't; people. I've never seen a doctor interact with patients with so much compassion, it was something I was jealous of but knew I could never have if I wanted to do my job; but Stevens was the best; she saw the world in gray and I owed Michael that much.

The heartless bitch Callie always described her as sat firmly in my mind as she froze up in surgery; leaving Michael without the safety net I had promised. I'd never been so furious…I could fix this; I could offer him more time until a heart became available and Stevens was supposed to help me give it to him; she walked away and again I was left unable to see the gray I so desperately wanted to believe existed…

At least until Meredith Grey opened her mouth and spewed filth about Denny Dequette and Stevens. I'd heard of his death days after I'd completed the transplant and that night I let tears sting my eyes and escape down my cheeks; I'd lost again. I'd lost a successful surgery, I'd lost a healthy heart, and I'd lost the chance to give Michael a second chance to watch his children grow older. And now the feeling that never let me settle at Seattle Grace was bubbling more than ever and I had a feeling I was begging to see the bigger picture; I was beginning to figure it out…and the last person I needed to confirm my fears did; Callie answered the question I dared to ask and the answer stopped my heart longer than it should.

I follow Richard into his office; slamming the door behind myself as my disgust rolls off my tongue, "How is Stevens still working here? How is Seattle Grace still accredited? This whole thing goes unreported…it's no wonder this place in number twelve; what kind of hospital are you running?"

He moves around behind his desk and puffs out his chest, "You stop right there-"

"I want an ethics review panel assembled; I want Stevens role in this investigated and Bailey's as well because she was her superior."

"Slow down Erica."

I can feel the blood pounding in my ears; slowing down isn't an option, "No! My patient lost a heart over this Richard! Someone is damn well going to lose there job!"

His voice rises as his gaze pierces into me, "Stop! We're not digging this up! It didn't go unreported, it was reported to me; I dealt with it. Stevens was punished; she's learnt from her mistake and she's on her way to becoming an excellent surgeon; that's the kind of hospital I'm running. Now this issue has been laid to rest…it's in the past and that's where it's going to stay," he says it with such conviction as he slides into his chair that I immediately move in for the kill; there is no way this conversation is finished; I haven't even started.

I lean over his desk; staring him down, "It is not in the past for me…it's lying on a bed in the ICU about to die."

"Then your only responsibility is to make sure that doesn't happen."

I scoff in pure disbelief; this whole thing is wrong…so wrong that I can't even believe I didn't know before. I leave his office before I break; my eyes are burning and I know the tears waiting to fall aren't for the loss of a heart…they're for the people of Seattle Grace; people I once respected and admired…people now that repulse me…we're doctors; we have a code, we have morals and they've ripped them to shreds without a care in the world.

I thought the rules were there for a reason; I thought they meant something…and now that I've figured out that they don't I can feel my skin crawling; this hospital, these people…I can't stand to be around them…something has to be done and the first thing on my personal list is Izzie Stevens.

I finish talking to Michael; I'm trying my hardest to convince him to try the surgery again…I can't let him give up…especially now that I know the reason behind his suffering. I look up and catch a glimpse of her; she's the reason for all of this….

"Dr Hahn I came to apologise and ask if I can please be let off your service," she looks skittish as she tries to escape the mess that she's responsible for; how dare she ask to be removed from my service…she has no right to ask anything; she shouldn't even be here.

"No…if I can convince Mike to have another ablation you're going to be there to see him through…to look him in the eye…to help him through the pain _you_ have caused him…and if he dies; I want you there for that to, because you're responsible."

I turn at to face Mike's wife; the exhaustion and defeat written over her face, "He decided…he won't do another procedure…I'm going to…go check him out," I watch her walk away and turn back to Stevens…Mike didn't get a heart and now he won't even try…she's going to pay for this.

Stevens brushes past me and into Mike's room before I can even stop her; she's talking to him; sharing what I can only guess are her own selfish feelings about Denny…she tells him his wife won't get over his death, that she'll never move on and in that moment I'm not sure if she's speaking to him or me; I know I won't get over this and if Mike dies he'll never get to move on to a new leash of life and everything will still be Isabel Stevens fault.

Somehow she convinces Mike to try again; I'm not even thankful for her efforts and as I watch her pull Mike through the surgery as the doctor I used to see her as, I feel nothing but the muscles clenching in my stomach, leaving me feeling physically sick. The surgery is a success; we've brought Mike more time…but what Izzie Stevens has done still hasn't been brought to justice…Webber thinks he's laid it to rest? He's in charge of the surgical wing; he's in charge of the doctors; he's in charge of the patients and he should be in charge of figuring out what needs to be done in situations like these…he's sitting in his office doing nothing; he's done nothing for three years…it's not good enough; I won't accept it; I won't be apart of this injustice; this complete lack of respect for our profession.

I breath a sigh of relief as I step out of the elevator; I can't wait to escape the scandal contained inside the walls of Seattle Grace…I need to figure this out, what I'm going to do about it, whether I'll ever accept what happened enough to stay. I look up to see brown eyes twinkling along with the smile that beams at me and I can't help but smile back as I approach her; we fall into step with each other as we leave the hospital in a comfortable silence.

I feel her shoulder brush against mine and her voice reaches my ears shaking me from my thoughts, "So how's your patient doing?"

"Well he still needs a heart but I brought him some time."

"Good, I'm glad."

"I went to the Chief about Izzie Stevens and he completely shut me down. Well, we'll see what he says when I report this to UNOS."

She grabs my wrist and tugs; getting me to stop and face her, "Woah, woah, woah…wait, what? Why? What good would come of that?"

My brow furrows as I study her questioningly, "What do you mean?"

"What possible good would that do? Would it benefit your patient's outcome?"

I can't believe what I'm hearing; I can't believe she doesn't get this, "My patient wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her."

"So you're going to report this to UNOS and cost this hospital its transplant certification? Cost our patients organs? Cost people their jobs? Cost Izzie Stevens her career…"

I narrow my eyes at her; her words hitting me hard, "Wait, so you're taking Izzie Stevens' side in this? Over mine?"

"She's a doctor. She's one of our doctors. There's a reason we have each other's backs, Erica."

"Please, don't talk to me about a code, because this is not that," I shake my head in utter disbelief…how can she not see how wrong this whole thing is.

"No, this is that…look, I don't know what happened between Denny Duquette and Izzie Stevens that night, but unless you were in the middle of that situation, I don't see how you can make a judgment."

I don't know who she is in this moment…or where she's been for the last few weeks. The Callie Torres I became friends with, spent time with, laughed with, talked endlessly with is somehow looking me in the eyes and talking to me in another language…she's not the way I remember her to be the nights we'd stay up late drinking wine; her eyes alive with raw passion as she told me about her failed relationship to George and how Izzie Stevens played a huge role in that.

"Easy. There's right, and there's wrong. And this was _wrong_…and illegal. There is no area here. You can't kind of think this is okay…" she doesn't see this as wrong, she doesn't get that this isn't okay; that we're not okay. She's forever in a state of constant uncertainty about us; she can't keep doing this with me in a 'kind of' way and expect everything to run smoothly; it doesn't work like that…I'm suddenly aware of how tired I am; how un-okay this all is, "You can't kind of side with Izzie Stevens…and you can't be kind of a lesbian," now she's looking at me as if she can't believe I just said that…but I hope she knows that I'm done with her never being fully with me.

She's looking at me but I don't think she really sees me and I know that I don't see her…I don't see her as I did this morning when she rolled over and kissed me; snuggling into my body…instead I see this shell of the woman I thought I respected for being so strong despite what had happened in her life.

She purses her lips together, "Yes, I can," she scoffs at me as if she's right.

Her words sting against my skin and I finally get it; I've figure it out…that it doesn't matter what's wrong and what's right if people don't see it the same way. I roll my eyes and look up at the sky; seeing it clearly for the first time in ages, "I can't believe I didn't know this."

"Erica, the Chief is right-"

"No. You…" I pause for second; taking a moment to simply look at her and I know I'm right, "I don't know you…at all," I tell her because even though we're fighting she deserves the truth…I tell her what I've figured out after all these years that effort and knowing that you're right doesn't mean everyone else will see it the way you do. That no matter how much I wanted to believe a gray world existed the truth remains that it is still black and white. I hold her eyes for a second; long enough to see the shock creeping into her dark browns and turn on my heel and walk away…I walk away from the person I considered my best friend…I walk away from the person who's changed my life forever…and I walk away because sometimes it's better to know the difference between right and wrong no matter how hard it is; no matter how much you want to fight it…choosing what's right means I get to walk away with no regrets; my morals still in tact even if my heart isn't…my world still black and white.


	2. Chapter 2

You know those moments in life where everything seems to happen at once and yet you can't grasp a single bit of it? They happen out of nowhere and shake the ground you're standing on; leaving you wavering…and you're left with two choices; quickly find your balance or fall down completely.

I watch Erica's retreating form; opening my mouth a few times to speak but the words are lost, my brain can't form a single one…I'm not even sure what just happened. I close my eyes and a flash of her blue orbs appear; they're flicking with a mixture of shock, of hurt, of anger…her words ring loudly in my ears and my eyes flutter open at the realisation that Erica Hahn just walked away from me.

My feet kick into action; picking up the pace so that I can catch up with her, "Erica wait," my voice doesn't seem to faze her; she doesn't falter and she doesn't look back around…she simply reaches into her pocket for her car keys.

I grab the cuff of her coat and pull at her; she turns towards me; her face steeled in an unreadable expression, "Let go of my coat Callie."

I shake my head and take a step closer to her; ignoring the sigh of irritation she lets out, "What just happened Erica?"

She snatches her arm away from me and lets out a chuckle, "What just happened? You have to be kidding me," her piercing gaze cuts into my skin but I refuse to look away, "What just happened Callie was me realising that you're never going to figure it out."

"Erica…I-"

She shakes her head again, "I can't keep doing this with you Callie…I can't keep waiting for you to catch up to me…I can't keep hoping that you'll get what I'm trying to explain to you and I can't keep hoping that one day you'll stop running from me."

"I haven't gone anywhere…you just walked away from me-"

"You might not have ran away physically but you've run away emotionally again; how can you not see where I'm coming from about the Denny thing? How can you defend what Stevens did over me?"

"Erica-"

"Don't…you might not have ran away from me this time Callie but you also didn't try to take a step towards me…you're happy just stumbling around waiting to collide into whatever's there and I can't do that," she nudges me gently with her shoulder as she turns the keys in her car door and pulls it open.

I feel my eyes burning with tears as my hands instinctively reach out for her; I wrap them around her arm; hugging it close to my body. Her eyes find mine and I know I must look pathetic when my voice cracks, "I told you I want to be with you Erica…we just need to try harder-"

She twists her arm free and turns to face me; her hand going up to cup my face as her thumbs brush away my tears, "Callie…sometimes all the effort in the world can't make something work."

"But we do work! I'm just…I'm learning to get it right."

"Then how come we keep getting it wrong Cal? There's only so much we can learn…the rest of it has to happen naturally…and you naturally check out on me every time I need you."

"Erica…"

She trails her fingers around the outline of my face and down my neck; I close my eyes as I relax into her touch and let her pull me into her arms; her nose nuzzles against my cheek and I feel her breath against my ear, "Maybe we'll get our chance in another lifetime Cal," her lips graze my cheek and I feel her pull out of my arms; she doesn't look at me as she climbs into her car.

I stand there watching the tail lights of her car fade into the darkness; my body shakes, my heart clenches so painfully in my chest that I can't breathe; my voice hitching as my tears turn into sobs.

I ran from Erica every time I was scared and now she's giving up on us because no matter how hard I try I can't stop the freaking out; being with her is incredible and terrifying and she gives everything to us while I hold back…I've separated my heart from my head and now I'm left trying to figure out why.

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I haven't slept properly in days…I can hear Erica's words in my ears and every time I close my eyes I see her face; I see the hurt expression; the one she had in the x-ray room when I told her I didn't enjoy the sex, the one she had when she told me about the leaves and I walked away and the one that stayed on her face for days after I told her that I'd slept with Mark…All I ever do is hurt her and I wish I could erase all of it and start over.

I've called Erica; left messages, sent texts, sent emails, sent flowers…I even stood outside her apartment on my day off…its been three days and she hasn't shown up for work, she never misses her shifts and the thought that I'm part of the reason she hates coming here is eating me alive.

I visit Michael Morris when his wife leaves to pick up their children; he tells me Erica's been around and that she's taking good care of him…he doesn't ask me who I am to her or why I'm asking him; he simply covers my hand and squeezes it while telling me that Erica will figure it out. I give him a smile and turn towards the door; he calls my name and tells me reluctantly and sadly that Erica's resigned and that he thought I needed to know…I feel my heart physically stop; everything around me stops, everything blurs as my head spins. I don't hear the door open and I don't know who guides me into the bathroom; all I know is that someone is soothingly rubbing a hand up and down by back as my stomach violently empties out my pain.

"Here," Mark holds out a wad of toilet paper and I twist my lips up in a small smile as I wipe my mouth.

"She's resigning?"

He nods his head, "I heard earlier…she told the Chief it was either her or Stevens…and Stevens went into surgery ten minutes ago so I'm guessing she won," he offers his hand and pulls me to my feet, "I'm sorry Cal…for everything…I'm pretty sure she hates my guts," he lifts his hand to scratch his beard, "I saw her in the locker room a few minutes ago and I insulted her like normal and she didn't react at all-"

"Wait she's here, like in the hospital at this very moment, here?" he nods again and I push him out of the way; giving Mike an apologetic smile as I slip out of his room and run to the attending's locker room; ignoring everyone telling me to slow down.

I slow down as I reach the door; breathing deeply to prepare myself to see her; I open the door quietly; and smile to myself as I catch sight of her blonde curls; her back's to me and I can see two boxes sitting along the bench behind her; she's shuffling around inside her locker, groaning to herself and I know that she's packing up her things.

I swallow the lump in my throat and lean against the doorway; watching her for a few more minutes; she turns to place her stethoscope in one of the boxes and her eyes lock onto mine, "You've resigned…" I say softly leaving it hanging between us.

I see her set her jaw; her mind searching for words to say to me, "Yes I have," she turns back to her locker. I bite my bottom lip and push myself off the doorway; closing the door behind me as I move towards her.

"You haven't returned any of my calls."

"I know...there's nothing left for us to say Callie," ouch…that couldn't have hurt more if she'd tried.

I move further into the room standing on the other side of the bench and reach a hand out; running my fingers down her arm; pulling at her hand and turning her to face me before moving my arm back to my side, "There's plenty left to say Erica, you just won't give me the chance to say it."

Her eyes hold mine intensely and she purses her lips together. I prepare myself to hear her cold tone, surprised when she speaks softly; her tone laced in defeat, "Maybe because whenever you do talk to me it's usually to hurt me," she shrugs her shoulders.

"I know I do," I search her face; nodding my head…I need her to understand that I get that it's not okay…it's not even close, "But this time you're hurting me by not letting me try for us."

She looks down at the ground; shuffling her feet and I reach across to touch her hand again; drawing her attention back to me, "Just say whatever it is you need to say Callie," she turns to her locker and pulls her scrub cap from the hook; throwing it into the box and lifting it from the bench.

I hurry around to her side of the bench and carefully take the box from her hands; settling it back down before taking her hands in mine; I tug gently and give her a small smile when her beautiful blue eyes travel to my face, "We don't need a chance in another lifetime; you know me Erica," I see her mouth tugging into a smile and move a hand to her neck; trailing my fingers up it before cupping her cheek and giving her a sincere smile, "You know I take my coffee with three sugars because I need the rush to keep me going at work, you know I kick my shoes off and rub my feet together when I'm relaxing and drinking my wine, you know that I put my hair up when I get that curl that just won't go down; you know all the small things about me that no one else cares about…but more than that you know all the big ones too...you know my family's rich and you didn't judge me once for living on Yang's couch, you know I got married in Vegas to a man whose father had just died and you didn't tell me I was stupid like everyone else did, you said I was brave for following my heart....you know I hate Izzie Stevens because she broke up my marriage-"

She snatches her hand back and steps away from me as if my touch suddenly burns her. Her brow's furrowed together and her eyes have turned gray as they flicker with anger, "Exactly and yet you still defended her Callie."

I can see the disbelief and confusion in her eyes and I know I'm responsible for putting it there. I step towards her again and place my hands on her hips; her eyes widen in shock at our sudden closeness, "You know everything there is to know about me, but lately there's some things you don't, and that's not your fault Erica...I've been changing and I've been doing a lousy job of accepting it."

"Cal-" she tries to move back but I tighten my grip on her hips and hold her eyes; hoping she can tell that I'm nowhere near finished.

"I do still hate Izzie Stevens for what she did to my marriage, but I also realised that falling in love makes you do crazy things...it made me marry George in an Elvis chapel..." I shake my head at the memory, "It made Meredith Grey realise that her mother might have messed her up but that she still deserves to be loved, it made Cristina wear a wedding dress when she didn't want to...and it made Izzie Stevens try to buy more time with the man she loved," I see Erica open her mouth to argue and quickly lift my finger to her lips, "What she did for Denny was _wrong _and _illegal_; I know that," she's regarding me with such curiosity that I have to take a deep breath to stop from crumbling under her gaze, "I _know_ that, okay? But the reason I stood up for her is because although I'm a doctor and I know better, if it came down to doing everything I could just so I could hold on to the person I loved for a few minutes longer or having a morally clear conscience..." I shrug and shake my head, "I'd pick love every single time...morals keep us grounded and they make us know the difference between right and wrong...but if life has taught me anything it's that there is no right or wrong in love; it just is...." her eyes have turned back to their original blue and I wonder if her anger has gone too, "I get why you're pissed at the hospital, at the Chief, at Izzie, and even at me...because we've all crossed that line between wrong and right...but there is a gray area between them, and that gray area is love Erica...you can't tell me everything's black and white and still know what it's like to feel love for someone," I tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear and trace her lips with my finger; my eyes memorising every single thing about her face. Her hand cover's mine as she draws my hand away from her lips and I take a chance, "So I'm asking you, Erica…don't you ever see gray?"

She moves away from me again; turning her back to me as her hands run through her hair. I wait for her to answer me though…nothing's ever as simple as it seems and I think she knows that. She turns back to me, "I thought I did," she bites her bottom lip; nodding her head as if she's trying to convince herself, "You came close to blending my black and white to gray, but you're never a sure shade of gray are you Callie?"

I finally break; my voice rising as I feel all my hope slipping away, "I told you that I want to be with you!"

"But that doesn't mean you're sure," she reaches for her boxes again and I quickly slide them out of her reach; earning an irritated sigh.

"Erica, you can't just leave-"

"You're wrong, I can," I flinch at her words; my eyes burn with tears again and I can't believe how truly messed up this has gotten. I cover my face with my hands and will myself to breath in and out deeply to stop myself from sobbing…and just like that she's my best friend again; her arms are around me; she pulls my hands away from my face and tilts my chin up so that our eyes can meet, "I want you; not just the glimpses you flash at me…but all of you," I can't help the crying now as her soft words reach my ears, "I want you to turn my black and white world gray Cal...but I can't keep letting you taint parts of it gray before disappearing again...I need you to be sure that if you do turn my world gray that it lasts. You need to figure it out; you need to be sure that I am what you really want-"

"Erica you are-"

She cuts me off and gives me a look that lets me know not to talk again until she's said her piece, "I have to leave Seattle Grace…I can't work in a hospital with Doctors that think it's okay to cheat someone out of life Callie…I just can't...and I plan on leaving Seattle," I try to pull out of her arms but she holds me closer to her until I stop struggling; her hands go to my shoulders and she creates a little space between us; her eyes gazing into mine so intensely that I physically feel her everywhere, "I would stay for you," she says it simply as if I could ask her to borrow some money for a coffee, "If you're sure that you are ready to show me the world in gray, ask me to stay Callie."

My tongue feels dry in my mouth as I try to process what she's just said to me; my mind working in overdrive…I open and close my mouth several times before stuttering, "I could never ask you to do that."

She nods her head, "Yes you could; we both know I would stay for you," she gives me a smile, an actual Erica smile that my heart pounds heavily in my chest, "My flight for New York leaves tomorrow at eight," she slips away from me as her pager buzzes to life; I watch her lift it to her face and I see her frown. She tucks it back into her pocket as she heads towards the door; stopping to look back at me, "If you're sure about us then ask me to stay Callie."

I watch her pass through the door and disappear into the busy hospital corridors…leaving me alone with her words again just like she did the other night…only this time I'm going to be responsible for if she walks away for good or not…I've got to figure this out and quickly.

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I'm still sitting in the attending's locker room when Erica returns an hour later; her face is flushed red and she looks angrier than I've ever seen her. I'm sitting between her boxes, her scrub cap in my hands as I run the material between my fingers.

My eyes go to her face as she moves towards me; I look up at her and shake my head, "I can't ask you to stay for me, Erica."

She scoffs; rolling her eyes and reaches for her boxes; stacking one on top of the other and lifting them from the bench. I stand so that I'm face to face with her and open my mouth to explain, "Don't Callie," I suddenly feel like I'm a small child in her presence and I lower my head shamefully, "And this is the reason why my world is black and white."

I don't look up to see her walk away; I can't…not again…seeing her walk away the other night was enough crack my heart, and I know if I watch her go again my heart will surely shatter. I clench my hands into fists and realise I'm still holding her scrub cap; lifting it to my face I breathe her in.

This is all wrong; it's all happening to fast…I can't keep grounded long enough to think about anything clearly…I'm always the one stuck in these inescapable situations…people think I'm strong enough to battle through anything, but the truth is I'm still the frightened child who sat alone at the back of the class chewing her hair; I'm as uncertain now as I was then.

I'm sitting in one of the OR gallery's; my eyes trained on the empty OR below, Erica's scrub cap still firmly clenched in my hands when Bailey comes in and sits down next to me.

"She resigned," I keep my eyes on the pattern of Erica's scrub cap, "She asked me to ask her to stay and I couldn't…I just…and now she's leaving Seattle."

"You can't judge her for wanting to leave Callie," I turn to look at her and I'm about to protest when Bailey shakes her head, "The Duquette incident was always going to blow up in our faces."

"She wanted to fight UNOS but I told her not to…and now she's not fighting, she's walking away."

"No she's just taking a different path because this one wasn't right for her."

"And what about me?"

"You've got to figure out what you want...you've got to decide if you can see the wrong in this that Erica does...and you have to choose what that wrong means to you if you do see it."

"I know what happened is wrong, I just...I've never been so insecure of what I know...everything I thought I believed in...its changed...and I'm not sure if it even matters anymore....I don't know what to do."

"Yes you do...what Izzie did for Denny; stealing the heart; she believed it was right even though everything she'd believed in before that told her it was wrong...but I know and you know that sometimes love blurs what's wrong and right...but as doctors we know that love doesn't count for anything...it still makes what she did wrong...Erica believes in her morals as a doctor...she believes Izzie was wrong...she believes love should be contained by the rules; the code and she's right…we all look at if from a personal point of view and Erica's never going to do that because that would mean she'd have to see gray and doctor's shouldn't see gray Callie…not in their professional lives."

I run my hand through my hair and shake my head, "What does that mean Bailey?"

"It means that you have to understand that Erica thinks like a doctor; she deals with hearts every day of her life and she fixes them if she can and if she can't…it's either black or white for her Callie…there is no gray area…with you, she sees gray…you make her unsure of what she thinks is wrong and right; black and white…she asked you to show her life can be gray and you acted like an idiot on more than one occasion because you know that if you turn her vision of the world gray that you can never turn it back…and now, well now you get to make the choice you've been putting off for so long…you've got to figure out whether Erica is worth you admitting you were wrong so that you can show her gray before you lose her for good."

Bailey squeezes my hand as she gets up and leaves me alone again…no one can help me with this…I have to do it on my own…I have to figure out why it is the way it is…I have to understand why Erica's world is black and white. I close my eyes and bring her scrub cap up to my nose; breathing her in as my mind replays flashes of our history.

"_So are we on for tonight or what?"_

"_Um... I told you I had a thing."_

"_I don't… make __friends__ easily. I'm awkward and I'm bad at small talk and generally don't like people I don't know…but I made friends with you and now you have this thing and that thing is Sloan."_

_  
"Are you mad that I'm sleeping with Mark Sloan?"_

_  
"I'm not mad you're sleeping with Sloan. I'm mad that you didn't tell me that you're sleeping with Sloan. I'm mad at you. Because instead of telling me and admitting that you're one of those girls who goes all poufy when she gets a __boyfriend__, you disappear with your thing…I don't make friends easily."_

_----------------_

"_Dr Torres in any of your research was there anything to suggest what to do in a situation like this?"_

"_I…I…don't…I mean erm…I think I messed up here…I…I don't know…maybe…maybe…maybe he would have been fine on his own…maybe…maybe-"_

"_Alright look at me…look at me, focus…you're trying something new, there's nothing wrong with new…breaking new ground, pushing the boundaries, it comes with the job…so Dr Torres; take a breath…stop panicking and just tell us, what did your research say?"_

_----------------_

"_I've got a CABG in an hour, want to get some coffee?" _

"_I'm not cut out for this."_

"_Coffee?"_

"_No, this…the touching and the…sex with a girl, I…I just can't do it…I thought I could…but…"_

"_But you did do it; I don't understand…Oh…It wasn't good for you."_

_----------------_

"_Erica…"_

_You want to apologise to someone? Apologise to Bailey, thanks to you I made her life a living hell today."_

"_I slept with Mark Sloan."_

"_If that's your idea of an apology you seriously-"_

"_Shut up…You were…you were crying and seeing leaves…and I wasn't…Okay, I may never see leaves…or maybe I will see leaves, but I will also see flowers…I might be a whole forest girl, I don't know yet…but I do know that I want to be with you and…to do that I have to at least tell you the truth…and the truth is that I slept with Mark Sloan today."_

"_Okay."_

"_Twice…actually."_

"_Okay."_

_--------------_

"_I went to the Chief about Izzie Stevens and he completely shut me down. Well, we'll see what he says when I report this to UNOS."_

"_Woah, woah, woah…wait, what? Why? What good would come of that?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_What possible good would that do? Would it benefit your patient's outcome?"_

"_My patient wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her."_

"_So you're going to report this to UNOS and cost this hospital its transplant certification? Cost our patients organs? Cost people their jobs? Cost Izzie Stevens her career…"_

"_Wait, so you're taking Izzie Stevens' side in this? Over mine?"_

"_She's a doctor. She's one of our doctors. There's a reason we have each other's backs, Erica."_

"_Please, don't talk to me about a code, because this is not that." _

"_No, this is that…look, I don't know what happened between Denny Duquette and Izzie Stevens that night, but unless you were in the middle of that situation, I don't see how you can make a judgment."_

"_Easy. There's right, and there's wrong. And this was wrong…and illegal. There is no area here. You can't kind of think this is okay…you can't kind of side with Izzie Stevens…and you can't be kind of a lesbian."_

"_Yes, I can,"_

"_I can't believe I didn't know this."_

"_Erica, the Chief is right-"_

"_No. You…I don't know you…at all"_

_----------------_

I open my eyes and lean my head back against the wall; seeing it all clearly laid out in front of me…and I suddenly can't understand how I missed it before. Erica saw in black and white before I ever entered her life and when we did become friends I showed her glimpses of gray but in the end I've never given her a solid enough reason to believe otherwise…a glance at seeing gray can't change your world from black and white…but a glance at seeing the world in black and white can make you understand just how fine the line of gray area is…Erica was right; I'm never a sure shade of gray; so why should she change the way she sees the world when I'm not even willing to understand hers.

-----------------------

Today is the day that things will be different; things will start fresh; they'll be completely new and untouched and I can't wait to see where it takes me. I hike the strap of my bag higher on my shoulder and tighten my grip around my case as I hurry through the crowds. I stop to check the boards; my eyes scanning for my destination…I come across the gate and take off in that direction as if nothing can stop me.

I breathe deeply when I get there; praying I haven't figured this all out only to be to late to do anything about it…my gaze trails around the room; over the faces of hundreds of people and settles on the one I was desperate to find. It must be some kind of sixth sense because blue eyes flick up from the magazine they were focused on and she stands from her chair; her eyes wide and her mouth open at the surprise of seeing me.

I battle my way towards her; dumping my case and bag down onto the floor next to her own. Her eyes are searching my face; her eyebrow raised in question, "Callie what are you doing here?"

"I'm doing what I should have done ages ago…I figured it out Erica and I want you to know that I'm sorry for not getting it before…I'm obviously slower at this than you…but I caught up; I'm on the same page," I smile at her even though she's looking completely lost…I smile because I know the difference between wrong and right and this moment…it could never be anything but right.

"I'm sorry…what are you talking about?" she narrows her eyes at me and I can see the nervousness in them.

"Us…I'm talking about us…" I reach down and lace her fingers; thankful that she doesn't pull away when I tug her closer; my other hand resting on her hip. People are looking at us but I smile anyway; I just don't care anymore, "I didn't ask you to stay yesterday because I knew that _you_ couldn't....I didn't ask you to stay because I knew _I_ couldn't ask you to give up another piece of yourself _for me_...I didn't ask you to stay because I wanted you to know that I didn't have any doubts when I told you that I want to come with you whether you decide to go...me and you Erica...we've always been stuck in what we were; who we were before this all started," her face softens but the confusion of what I'm saying still covers her features, "I needed you to walk away from me so that I could see that walking after you was absolutely the right thing to do. I didn't ask you to stay Erica, because I knew we both needed to leave so that we could actually start."

She's shaking her head and I see her struggling, "Callie you don't need to do this because you feel guilty-"

"I'm not doing this for any reason other than I _want _to…you seen the world in black and white and I see it in gray...but maybe we're both wrong…maybe to be right we both need to see it in colour," I pull her closer and smile at her, "I sure that being with you is the only way that will ever happen for me. It can't be a world of black and white and it can't be a world of gray...it has to be colour because there are so many rights and wrongs that gray can't even begin to cover it."

She smiles at me and I lean our foreheads together; my eyes still holding hers…I need to say it all because it's time for us to take the next step together and not stumble on different paths at different paces.

"What Izzie did was wrong professionally and she should have been punished; you know that and I know that…but what she did is also right Erica, she loved him and she didn't want to let him go…I can understand that…it doesn't make it the solid kind of right but it does make it a colour of right," I cup her cheek and run my thumb across her skin, "I've always been the line between wrong and right; black and white for us…I know that too…but I don't want to be 'kind of' anymore…I can't tell you that I'm gay because I'm not…but I am one hundred percent seeing leaves when I look at you and they block out all the flowers…I've been wrong about everything between us so far…but I'm ready to be right and the only way I can do that is if I work with you; communicate with you…we can help each other see the colours of the world Erica…So I'm not asking you to stay, I'm telling you that I'm coming to New York with you."

Her chin trembles, her lip quivers and her eyes pool with tears, "You came for me," she doesn't say it as a question or as a fact, she says it as if she can't believe I'm actually here in front of her.

"I came for you," I repeat it because she needs me to; she needs me to prove that I'm sure. Her face lights up in a smile and I know I grin back just as big, "I don't want to see the world if you're not in it Erica."

Her arms slip around me and I feel the pressure of her fingers holding my closer as I nuzzle my nose against hers. Our mouths inch together and I smile against her lips when she kisses me. The sensation of her tongue dancing across my bottom lip makes the smile drop off my face as I open my mouth to her; our tongues come together in a perfected rhythm, sealing our promise of starting from now.

When we break apart her eyes are bluer than I've ever seen…her face is glowing as she smiles beautifully at me and I can't help but think that this is me seeing Erica Hahn in colour…her hand cups my cheek as her thumb smoothes along my cheek bone just like she did in the elevator all those months ago and I know she's seeing me in colour to. The announcement that it's time for us to board breaks through our bubble and we both grab our cases; our free hands entwining as we walk the short distance to the plane.

I look through my window and down at Seattle as our plane flies higher…I feel Erica lean into and move so that she can see to…our eyes meet and we share a smile as we look down on the dreary place we once called home; the city a mixture of black, white and gray…we smile because we know that the next place we call home will be a mixture of beautiful vibrant colours and we'll be seeing it together.


End file.
